Widows ‘R’ Us

By Jack Tuckner, Esq.

It’s nothing short of amazing to me that we all have mothers, sisters, daughters, wives and girlfriends in our lives given the objectifying, brutal and humiliating treatment we humans regularly accord the female of our species. We’re clearly not very fond of women as a general rule.

I guess it all comes back to Eve, that avaricious avatar of salacious need and greed—the quintessential slut—eating the forbidden fruit and then tempting the weak and witless Adam with her lascivious and trampish ways. We should probably burn all girls at the stake before they grow up into full-blown temptresses and whores; this way we’d all be free to enter the kingdom of Heaven after we die. And while we’re alive, we men could enjoy the white man’s eternal right of banging our drums and bonding while sharing a big, brown, phallic defecatory cigar while we trade straight talk about how much we hate a good faggot.

Religion, misogyny and homophobia—the holy trinity–where can I sign up for all that fun and rationality? I know—right here at home! Until that wonderful day arrives when women are finally fully despoiled to pay for the sins of their closet-case Masters of Misogyny, we can vicariously enjoy the thrill of our devolution (1/2 of us are Creationists anyway so why not devolve fully back to the primordial slime) by reading Human Rights Lawyer Cherie Blair’s wonderful Op-Ed piece on the suffering and disenfranchisement of widows worldwide, aided and abetted by all of us of course.